Dave- I Hate "Wall"mart

OK, let me start of by saying, I could not care less about this certain franchise and it's employees, that I am about to run down. I spelled their name incorrectly for the simple fact that I am a 16 year old high school student with no job, thus no money. Having no money means you have no lawyer. No lawyer means if they decide to take legal action, you represent yourself or worse, get represented by a public defender. 

Once your public defender, whom you've only spoken to once and never answers any of your calls, practically ushers you into the Big House, you have to make up a reason why your in there to tell your fellow detainees. You obviously can't tell them that you're in there because you were found guilty in a defamation case. They'd chuck you in a cell with Big Curly and watch him take advantage of your assets. I can only speak for myself when I say this, but my assets are best used to my advantage. But I digress.

Let me explain to you why I feel this way. If you for some reason have no idea what I 'm talking about, please refer to today's title. Don't worry I'll wait...

Alright then, today I had an encounter with a employee of this establishment. My friend Von and I were looking through some of the stores more, so called, desirable items. These items, just so happened to be located in the electronic section. We were minding nobodies business but ours when all the sudden an eclipse fell over us, blocking everything but the air. I turned around to see what was causing this sudden black out. I was taken back, and I'll admit a bit tickled, at the mass that was standing behind us, just wasting what had the potential to be useful space and time. 

Before I even begin to tell you how this encounter played out, I gotta enlighten you as to the condition of this employee. It's a serious situation. His navy blue polo was so tight, that it cradled his man boobs like a training bra. Yet, his butt gut a.k.a. his lower stomach, hung majestically over his corduroys. I say majestically simply because it must have been something he was proud of, since he displayed it like a show pony at the state fair. What was hilarious about this was that he had only walked a few steps and he was sweating like he just ran the English channel. Pause. Yes, I am completely aware that the English channel is a body of water but I'm using it because it's distance is considerable. Play. The tips of his fingers were orange from eating Cheetos, which was pretty gross, but you had to respect his tenacity. It was obvious that he had ravaged the bag due to the clutter of crumbs on his shirt. I was gonna say it looked like he was attempting to make a cast of his man breasts with the Cheetos crumbs, but i felt that was a tad insulting and that's not what I'm here to do. But it did.

Now, I'm gonna write how the conversation went so that you can judge for yourselves who was out of line. I'm not gonna lie, it could have been me. I'm out of line sometimes. At least that's what my mom says but she can't to much be trusted since she has a bit of a (chug chug) problem. Anyways, when I speak, it will say Me.. (no duh). When the employee speaks, it'll saaaayyyyy... Cheese Fairy... Yeah I like that. I want to let you know, I do not hate this man for how he looked. Or how he smelled. Or even how uncomfortable his lack of hygiene made me feel. I hate him because of what a complete douche he was! Let's proceed.

Me: Uh, can I help you?
Cheese Fairy: I was about to ask you the same thing, kid.
Me: Um no thanks dude, we're fine. But I'm pretty sure there's about 30 other people walking around this section, and they're just dying for your attention.
Cheese Fairy: Is that so? Well, unfortunately they're gonna have to wait. I seem to have two suspicious characters, who are getting a little to close to the glass, to worry about.
Me: Soooooooo, you don't need to worry about that blonde girl over there who just swiped a Hello Kitty iphone case? Or that guy opening the blue rays, checking the discs? I don't think he's stealing them, but I'm pretty sure that's against one of your store rules. Oh, look at that kid standing right behind you, licking the glass. So young. So determined. He wants that game so bad, he can literally almost taste it.
Cheese Fairy: Aw, your mama must think that's adorable. To bad, I don't. So, why don't you and your little boyfriend, just do yourselves a favor and get out of my section. You don't want me to take authoritative action.
Me: Oh, you're funny. Not quite as funny as the fact that your gut has a potential career in comedy for doing celebrity impressions as you walk, but nowhere near as funny as the fact that you think you have some sort of authority over us. So, how about YOU just do yourself a favor and turn around. By the time your halfway, your shift will be over.
Cheese Fairy: Big talk, from a skinny little emo kid. Be glad your a minor.
Me: I would be if that was at all threatening. A mere utterance of intelligence and your brain would fizzle away, and run out your ears. Goodbye mall cop wanna be.
Cheese Fairy: I warned you punk, give me your names! I am officially banning you from the store.
Me: Go ahead! Assert the only power you'll ever have. Just know that this doesn't end within the confines of these walls.
Cheese Fairy: Are you threatening me?!
Me: Do you feel threatened?

As you could have and should have guessed, we got kicked out and banned... yada yada, but this definitely wasn't over. I left peacefully but inside I made a vow. A vow of war.

Now, at the beginning of today's entry I had every intention of telling you how I retaliated, but then it occurred to me. If I break today's story into 2 parts, then I don't have to think of what to write next time. Is it lazy? Yes. Is it a bit rude? Perhaps. Am I still gonna do it? Most definitely. So, let's label this story a to be continued. 

Thanks for sharing my pain
-Dave



Hey guys, I got tons of unexpected positive feedback, so Dave is here to stay! Being that my blogs are pretty new, I do not have a set schedule for all my releases but it is a work in progress. I have other trial characters and things I'm planning on adding to the blog, so I wanna get a feel for the rotation before I make any promises. And just as a small disclaimer, these are not my personal feelings on the store, it's employees or public defenders. Just felt the need to make that known.

If you haven't already, I would definitely recommend watching Food Inc and The High Cost of Low Price on Netflix. They bring to light facts about some things in this company that we involve ourselves with everyday and it might change how you think about these things a little bit. Anyways, thank you so much for reading and please check back regularly because I WILL be posting things regularly, I just don't know exactly what at the moment lol. Don't forget to like Emo Dave on Facebook!!! Check out his Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Emo-Dave/661389700612198!!!


Click here to read the previous Emo Dave post:http://thewriter4hire.blogspot.com/2014/06/dave-therapy.html

Click here to see a picture of Emo Dave:http://thewriter4hire.blogspot.com/2014/06/emo-dave-revealed.html

Emo Dave REVEALED!!!

Hey internet people!!! I was messing around with some animation today and guess who decided to show his beautiful face. Don't worry. He's not frowning... just smiling upside down. Also, Emo Dave now has a Facebook account!!! Make sure to like and follow him. I'm sure he'd be ecstatic to see your comments and messages... well not really but he'll still respond. lol 

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Emo-Dave/661389700612198

Dave- Therapy

Soooo... I'm in Therapy...

Uh... I guess I'll start by saying, I'm Dave. I am being forced to deal with an incompetent quack therapist who claims I need an "outlet" for my "inner feelings", thus I'm writing this stupid online journal or whatever you choose to call it. The strategy for the survival of my sanity is that I shall comply with my superiors until they, they being my mom and dad, realize how completely pointless this whole "life assignment" thing is and that their shrink is nothing but a condescending college degree armed conman who points out people's petty problems for pennies. But until then this is my life right now so, lemonade.
According to the assignment I am now supposed to "express myself openly and honestly, without refrain." Well I guess I'll start by telling you how the appointment went. Ok, so I walked in and there's this Beluga whale sitting in this poor lazy boy, which in my opinion has been mercilessly abused for a considerable amount of time. Sigh... The chair abuse in this nation is just disgusting and i don't understand how no one is seeking justice this criminal act but one problem at a time, right? So he starts asking me questions about school and my family life, pretty much everything a serial killer would wanna know, and then he has me play this word game. The game is simple. He says a word and I quickly respond with the first word that comes to mind. Now I understood right away that the point of this game was to analyze my psychological state and for him to get a glimpse at what kind of subconscious thoughts i may have. Armed with this knowledge I thought it be funny to mess with him. So for nearly 15 mins, we went back and forth. He's saying the cheesiest crap he can come up with, I'm saying the creepiest crap I can come up with.m It was like two Sumo wrestlers who were equally matched, just seemingly hugging each other in the middle of the ring. Translation, it wasn't going anywhere.
 I guess after a certain point, he either figured I was joking or stopped to compile a profile on me, expecting either a highly paid attorney or the FBI to come in and collect it in about 6 years. The attorney would probably need it as an asset to my insanity plea, but I don't know. Either way it goes, we'll cross that bridge when we get there. So anyways, after he gave me the card of a criminal psychologist along with advisory that I add an addition session with him a week, he told me to make a web journal which will enable me to express myself freely, how opening myself up to others will help blah blah blah whatever. 

So yeah, I'm in therapy.


Click here to read the next post of Emo Dave:http://thewriter4hire.blogspot.com/2014/06/dave-i-hate-wallmart.html


Hey guys, I sincerely hope you enjoyed my Dave character trial. If you'd like to see more of Dave's online journal and see his story play out, please leave a comment, letting me know what you thought and what you'd enjoy to see from my budding blog. Thanks so much for reading and there's plenty more to come ;)
-Bri 

If I Had a Nickel for Every time I...

Things that if i got paid for, would make me filthy stinking rich!.

• pressing quit and retry on candy crush
• sing a song that I don't really know and make it through by lightly mumbling through the verses and religiously belting out the chorus
• walk upstairs to get something and forget what it was by the time I reached the top
• not being able to find my phone though it's sitting in plain sight
• looking at my games list, trying to decide between Halo Reach and Halo 4... and always picking Halo Reach
• reaching for my drink, when I'm dying of thirst, forgetting that I've already finished it and being left to suffer the utter disappointment
• having my headphones on, full blast, while someone is talking to me, unaware that I can't hear them because I am nodding and gesturing as if I am listening to and understand what they are saying
• when I freak out about an item at the store, but suddenly lose all interest upon seeing it's price tag

Just a quick view of my personal struggle lol