Dave- I Hate "Wall"mart

OK, let me start of by saying, I could not care less about this certain franchise and it's employees, that I am about to run down. I spelled their name incorrectly for the simple fact that I am a 16 year old high school student with no job, thus no money. Having no money means you have no lawyer. No lawyer means if they decide to take legal action, you represent yourself or worse, get represented by a public defender. 

Once your public defender, whom you've only spoken to once and never answers any of your calls, practically ushers you into the Big House, you have to make up a reason why your in there to tell your fellow detainees. You obviously can't tell them that you're in there because you were found guilty in a defamation case. They'd chuck you in a cell with Big Curly and watch him take advantage of your assets. I can only speak for myself when I say this, but my assets are best used to my advantage. But I digress.

Let me explain to you why I feel this way. If you for some reason have no idea what I 'm talking about, please refer to today's title. Don't worry I'll wait...

Alright then, today I had an encounter with a employee of this establishment. My friend Von and I were looking through some of the stores more, so called, desirable items. These items, just so happened to be located in the electronic section. We were minding nobodies business but ours when all the sudden an eclipse fell over us, blocking everything but the air. I turned around to see what was causing this sudden black out. I was taken back, and I'll admit a bit tickled, at the mass that was standing behind us, just wasting what had the potential to be useful space and time. 

Before I even begin to tell you how this encounter played out, I gotta enlighten you as to the condition of this employee. It's a serious situation. His navy blue polo was so tight, that it cradled his man boobs like a training bra. Yet, his butt gut a.k.a. his lower stomach, hung majestically over his corduroys. I say majestically simply because it must have been something he was proud of, since he displayed it like a show pony at the state fair. What was hilarious about this was that he had only walked a few steps and he was sweating like he just ran the English channel. Pause. Yes, I am completely aware that the English channel is a body of water but I'm using it because it's distance is considerable. Play. The tips of his fingers were orange from eating Cheetos, which was pretty gross, but you had to respect his tenacity. It was obvious that he had ravaged the bag due to the clutter of crumbs on his shirt. I was gonna say it looked like he was attempting to make a cast of his man breasts with the Cheetos crumbs, but i felt that was a tad insulting and that's not what I'm here to do. But it did.

Now, I'm gonna write how the conversation went so that you can judge for yourselves who was out of line. I'm not gonna lie, it could have been me. I'm out of line sometimes. At least that's what my mom says but she can't to much be trusted since she has a bit of a (chug chug) problem. Anyways, when I speak, it will say Me.. (no duh). When the employee speaks, it'll saaaayyyyy... Cheese Fairy... Yeah I like that. I want to let you know, I do not hate this man for how he looked. Or how he smelled. Or even how uncomfortable his lack of hygiene made me feel. I hate him because of what a complete douche he was! Let's proceed.

Me: Uh, can I help you?
Cheese Fairy: I was about to ask you the same thing, kid.
Me: Um no thanks dude, we're fine. But I'm pretty sure there's about 30 other people walking around this section, and they're just dying for your attention.
Cheese Fairy: Is that so? Well, unfortunately they're gonna have to wait. I seem to have two suspicious characters, who are getting a little to close to the glass, to worry about.
Me: Soooooooo, you don't need to worry about that blonde girl over there who just swiped a Hello Kitty iphone case? Or that guy opening the blue rays, checking the discs? I don't think he's stealing them, but I'm pretty sure that's against one of your store rules. Oh, look at that kid standing right behind you, licking the glass. So young. So determined. He wants that game so bad, he can literally almost taste it.
Cheese Fairy: Aw, your mama must think that's adorable. To bad, I don't. So, why don't you and your little boyfriend, just do yourselves a favor and get out of my section. You don't want me to take authoritative action.
Me: Oh, you're funny. Not quite as funny as the fact that your gut has a potential career in comedy for doing celebrity impressions as you walk, but nowhere near as funny as the fact that you think you have some sort of authority over us. So, how about YOU just do yourself a favor and turn around. By the time your halfway, your shift will be over.
Cheese Fairy: Big talk, from a skinny little emo kid. Be glad your a minor.
Me: I would be if that was at all threatening. A mere utterance of intelligence and your brain would fizzle away, and run out your ears. Goodbye mall cop wanna be.
Cheese Fairy: I warned you punk, give me your names! I am officially banning you from the store.
Me: Go ahead! Assert the only power you'll ever have. Just know that this doesn't end within the confines of these walls.
Cheese Fairy: Are you threatening me?!
Me: Do you feel threatened?

As you could have and should have guessed, we got kicked out and banned... yada yada, but this definitely wasn't over. I left peacefully but inside I made a vow. A vow of war.

Now, at the beginning of today's entry I had every intention of telling you how I retaliated, but then it occurred to me. If I break today's story into 2 parts, then I don't have to think of what to write next time. Is it lazy? Yes. Is it a bit rude? Perhaps. Am I still gonna do it? Most definitely. So, let's label this story a to be continued. 

Thanks for sharing my pain
-Dave



Hey guys, I got tons of unexpected positive feedback, so Dave is here to stay! Being that my blogs are pretty new, I do not have a set schedule for all my releases but it is a work in progress. I have other trial characters and things I'm planning on adding to the blog, so I wanna get a feel for the rotation before I make any promises. And just as a small disclaimer, these are not my personal feelings on the store, it's employees or public defenders. Just felt the need to make that known.

If you haven't already, I would definitely recommend watching Food Inc and The High Cost of Low Price on Netflix. They bring to light facts about some things in this company that we involve ourselves with everyday and it might change how you think about these things a little bit. Anyways, thank you so much for reading and please check back regularly because I WILL be posting things regularly, I just don't know exactly what at the moment lol. Don't forget to like Emo Dave on Facebook!!! Check out his Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Emo-Dave/661389700612198!!!


Click here to read the previous Emo Dave post:http://thewriter4hire.blogspot.com/2014/06/dave-therapy.html

Click here to see a picture of Emo Dave:http://thewriter4hire.blogspot.com/2014/06/emo-dave-revealed.html